She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
