You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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