White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
