Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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