dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
