I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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