Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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