Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
