life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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