im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
