Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
