i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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