do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
