Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
