how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
