Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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