Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
