He is an equal opportunity slut.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
