if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
