Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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