Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
