Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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