I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
