i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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