I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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