You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
