do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
