Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
