My Higher Power is John Stamos
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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