LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
