Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
