so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
