the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
