I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
