I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
