somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
