Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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