He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize