She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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