there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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