i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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