you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize