this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
