the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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