How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
