either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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