My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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