ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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