Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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