he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
