Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
