If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
