Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
