Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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