it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
