ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
