Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
