We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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