please come you make the beer taste better
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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