it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
