i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I will be naked everywhere
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
All the doctor said was why
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
